Tonight I received a message from a groupie (and an ugly one at that) asking me to delve into my supreme hatred for Tom Gugliotta bka “The Googs” (I refuse to call him “Googs” for fear of death by aneurism.) I will preface this by saying that I am currently watching Star Trek: Into Darkness at a drive-in theater somewhere in the Catskills and, yes, I did in fact sneak copious amounts of alcohol in with me, so I this seems like a great opportunity.
During the summer between fifth and sixth grade my school required us to choose an incoming new student off a list and call that person and try to welcome them to our school. At the time, there were two black kids in the entire fifth grade. Problem. So when I went to check out the new prospects, I took one look, saw a kid named “Andre” who liked “basketball and rap music” and immediately assumed this kid was a winner. To cut to the chase, “Andre” was not in fact the newest edition of the black coalition as I falsely assumed and instead ended up being a terribly pathetic Asian kid who drooled all over the place and got the shit kicked out of him constantly. He grew up to be wildly successful and remains one of my best friends to this day, so no harm no foul, but when I discovered that I had been deceived, obviously I was let down, but being the kind young man that I am I chose to be his friend regardless. Shortly after meeting him for the first time I learned he was from Minneapolis and his favorite player was…wait for it……Tom Gugliotta. And so, over the years, as certain friendships go, it turned into a true love/hate relationship between the two of us, and most of the hatred I felt towards my man Dre from sixth grade onward I subconsciously associated with Tom Gugliotta, so by the time I was 17 and graduating high school I loathed The Googs with every fiber of my being. I hated that he made the All-Star team in ‘97 just to spite me. I hated his horrendously cliche barbed wire tattoo. I hated how people considered him a “model” because he was in SI’s swimsuit edition with his ugly ass wife. I hated that this curly headed fuck actually got compared to Larry Bird while in college, which is sheer blasphemy. The reasons are limitless, and every night before I go to sleep, I pray that one day the torture will end and Tom Gugliotta will be forgotten forever. One day. One day…

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